Second time around

Being pregnant again is fun, but very different from the first time around. Quite simply because it's not my first time around - so there's none of the anxiety or fear of the unknown, I know that I can make it through childbirth and that I'll be a 'good enough' parent, we've pretty much winged it with Matotea, and I think she's turning out OK. It's hard to describe, I'm not quite jaded, but I know all the disruption and change that a new baby brings, I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm ready for it, but I know more of what to expect. That said, it's not as if I'm the seasoned mother - not like my mother-in-law who successfully delivered eight babies in a little over eight years and seems to have been happy to do that! I frankly don't know how she managed, physically I know it's possible, but emotionally I don't think I'd be able to cope, I already struggle with the changes that one baby brings - I feel like I should devote my time to her, but then I already feel that I don't have enough time for me, so part of me wonders what it will be like with a second! This probably sounds selfish, and well it probably is, but I don't think I'm alone in feeling this.

I don't suppose that any two pregnancies feel exactly the same and this time it is a little different. I'm a couple of years older and over thirty now, I have a two year-old girl who needs my love and assurance and a considerable amount of chasing around the place, at the same time as being pregnant. This time there's no time for the yoga and meditation that I enjoyed the first time around. Another alarming difference is the rate at which my stomach has grown, I know that the second is supposed to go out quickly, and it certainly has, but at five months I already feel like I did with Matotea at around seven! This one is also a real wriggler, from around 12 weeks I have been able to feel some movement, now I'm getting a constant nudging and kicking. The baby was so lively that the doctor was having trouble doing his morpho exam at my last checkup, we still don't know if it's a boy or a girl, the cord was in the way and well there was just too much fidgeting to make much out. Viriamu has his heart set on a boy, I don't mind, as long as it's healthy and happy, but I also have a feeling that it's a boy, they're supposed to be more active and they also often show more than girls......but I guess we'll have to wait and see to be sure....

Now I just have to wait until early July, when I get to be 'medically evacuated' to Tahiti, to await labor - I'm not really looking forward to all the disruption that will involve and I also know that the hospital system in Tahiti won't allow me to give birth in the way that I would choose. It was a shock to me when I first discovered how medical birth is, pregnancy is a pathology here in French Polynesia - the doctor that visits Rurutu every two months has been unable to find anything wrong with the baby, despite all his efforts. He has a really awful bed-side presence, making me feel like a piece of meat, I don't doubt that he sees many hundreds of pregnant ladies every year, but there's room for some compassion, the idea of sharing something as intimate as a birth with him or any of the other doctors I have seen in Tahiti makes me recoil. With Matotea I chose the most liberal ob-gyn that I could find, but even then the idea of giving birth in any position other than stirrups was out of the question. I happened to give birth on a sunday night and had to wait to deliver the baby until the doctor showed up (he looked none too happy to be called out on a sunday evening - and I for one was also less than amused to have to wait for him, after all there were no complications and in the end I was the one doing the work here). I was also less than happy that they took Matotea away from me for her first health check within minutes of birth, maybe they do not understand the stress that this causes a new mother, there really is no reason why they could not do this in the delivery room in my presence. I was told by the midwife not to make noise during the delivery, as I was frightening the other mothers and my choice not to use pain medication was questioned several times. Despite this I did feel like this last birth went as well as it could, but it was despite the health care system and not thanks to it, I was constantly having to defend my right to give birth the way I wanted. Fortunately I have a friend who is a doula, and having her present was valuable in reminding me that wanting to give birth as naturally as possible wasn't something completely crazy. At the moment I'm enjoying reading Birthing from Within and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, two wonderfully inspiring books for the pregnant woman and I'm feeling truly empowered, I hope that I will be more able to defend my rights this time. If I get my way, and if there are no contraindications, I will try to give birth in Moorea, the maternity ward there is overseen by a wonderful team of midwives and I know that, given my options, this is by far the best choice for me. Home birth is practically impossible here (even if I lived in Tahiti) there are no independent midwives here that could do this , though of course it would be my preference.