Something else to celebrate

In August we celebrate 10 years of marriage (we got married in the registry office in Moorea, a bit before the wedding in December - because they didn't know how to marry a foreigner in Rurutu!). It doesn't seem five minutes ago that my friends and family were here in Rurutu, for our Big Fat Polynesian wedding. And yet, it's been a busy ten years, with the kids in succession, the move to Rurutu, and drastic career change to guesthouse owner, opening new chapters and bringing new challenges into my life. Sometimes I feel like I deserve a medal (or two) and sometimes I think Viriamu does! But here we are, moving forward into the next decade!

But lets just revisit Rurutu weddings for a moment.

A few weeks ago we actually got the opportunity to do so literally, with Tuanaa and Jocelyne's wedding. First we need some background: Jocelyne is Viriamu's fa'amu (adopted) sister, she was just a schoolkid when we all got married, so she never got to participate in the wedding proper, and anyway she technically gets married with her husbands' family.

Fa'amu: a Polynesian phenomenon, highlights one of the profound differences between my upbringing and Viriamu's. The word literally means to feed or nourish, so you take material responsibility for the child, but it is more "lending" than "giving". When Viriamu was born, he was brought up with his grandparents, it was the norm in Rurutu for the first child to be given away in fa'amu to the grandparents. And while Viriamu's family just lived a few kilometers away, it did fundamentally change the way he grew up and how he views the world today.

The tradition is no longer as strong as it was a generation ago, though Viriamu's mother did ask him if she could 'have' Matotea. I categorically refused, I just couldn't imagine doing that with my own child. The fa'amu still continues today, though is more frequent in the case of a close family member who can't or doesn't have children. When Viriamu's brothers and sisters were grown, his mother adopted Jocelyne. The tradition of sharing children is logical in a small and inter-related community. In the 1960s and onwards, however, this tradition was used widely (and in some cases abused) by metropolitan couples seeking to adopt children. The European concept of adoption and fa'amu differ drastically, particularly in the case of French plenary adoption, which erases the blood rights the child has. Babies often were adopted to couples who left the territory never returning or allowing the children to see their families again, mothers were convinced it was the best future for the child. Years after it is clear that it often caused great distress to the child and the biological mother. 

 As in many modern Rurutu marriages, Jocelyne and Tuanaa actually already have three kids - as we say here we like to try before we buy! So you might have thought that they weren't in a hurry, but the whole thing was very sudden, or rather our family were only informed, and asked to participate, a fortnight before the whole thing. Viriamu's mum was completely taken by surprise, as any good marriage here is arranged at least a year in advance! True they didn't want a huge affair, and as Tuanaa's mother has passed away his dad was not at all prepared to deal with a large wedding. And as is the tradition, it seems a great big wedding scandal was brewing, particularly when it came to light that the bride-to-be actually wanted to use the wedding as an opportunity to convert to being a Jehovah's witness. It was still a fun day out for us, Viriamu acted as "father of the bride" in place of his dad!